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By Stuart Altschular: There I was, sitting in my
little room looking out on the corridor as
half naked men in towels paraded past my
door. It was a familiar feeling from my
days, years ago when I spent my share of
nights at the baths in South Florida. I have
been in Los Angeles for more than twelve
years, but this is the first time I saw the
inside of the baths in California. I was
surely having a sense of déjà vu but without
the intense sexual charge.
The men passing by had a
curious and confused look on their faces and
I even experienced being cruised by one or
two. While I found it flattering, I had to
handle this delicately. You see, I was fully
dressed and sitting in a well-lit office
next to the workout area at the Club 1350 in
Long Beach. I realized that one guy was
feeling rejected and I had better explain my
presence and purpose before I left him
traumatized and feeling undesirable.
I stepped over to the door
of the office and waited for him to pass by
again. When he did, I stopped him and
introduced myself. "My name is Stuart and I
am a psychotherapist. I am not here for sex
so I didn't want you to misinterpret my lack
of interest. The owners of the club have
hired me to be here, twice each week to
counsel the patrons who are having
difficulties in their life." He was
intrigued and after asking a few more
questions, he entered my room for something
totally unexpected during his afternoon at
the baths.
For me this experience has
also been totally unexpected. I never
dreamed that I would be using my
professional skills in a setting like this.
I also never dreamed that the men who were
there for one purpose would be open to
allowing their experience to be so deeply
personal and vulnerable and human. What
surprised me most was that the owners of the
Club 1350 and the Melrose Spa would be this
conscious and concerned about their patrons'
well being.
A friend had heard that a
part time position was available to counsel
men at the baths. He told them about me and
gave me the phone number for Todd Vetsch,
Operations Manager for these bathhouses. An
interview was set up for the following week
with Todd and Scott Campbell, Vice President
for Midtowne Spa, Inc. Why were they doing
this? Their initial motivation was not
particularly altruistic. Zoning issues made
it expedient to demonstrate to permit
inspectors that they were responsible
businessmen attempting to minimize the
possible "unhealthy or self-destructive
behavior" that might be going on inside sex
clubs and bathhouses.
What impressed me about both
of them was that they truly were concerned
and their goals were in alignment with my
own intentions, if I were to take this
position. They had already checked out my
"internet resume", my website. They told me
they knew I was the right person with the
right skills and experience, and
credibility. They told me that if they were
going to provide counseling services, they
wanted it to really serve the men. They
understood, as I did, that the same ethics
of confidentiality would be applied in this
setting. I understood that the same ethical
boundaries of "no sex" with clients made my
experience there different from days (or
nights) gone by. That ethic made it easier
for me to enter such an intense sexual
environment.
Since mid October, I have
had one of the most rewarding and surprising
experiences of my professional life. That
first man with the bulge under his towel
seemed to set the tone for many sessions
since. His first question was how do you
tell if you are a sex addict. He talked of
his 7 year relationship and how he knows he
could sabotage that relationship if his
lover found out about his frequent trips, in
the afternoon, to these halls.
Many men who have spoken to
me are in relationships both homosexual and
heterosexual. They are in their 20's, 30's,
40's, 50's, 60's and even 70's. Some of
these men have grown children and a dark
secret that has never passed their lips
until now. It has been quite humbling to
provide the opportunity for their
self-disclosure. The relief and shock that
they are finally talking to someone, to a
therapist, is overwhelming to some. I
realize that if this opportunity had not
presented itself in this setting, they would
have suffered longer in their shame and
fear.
Homophobia, addictions,
intimacy, roommate problems, sexuality,
coming out, sexual behaviors, HIV/AIDS,
grief and loss, improving self-esteem and
communication, career decisions, how to
improve a sex life with a male lover, how to
discuss a wife's desire for him to have a
vasectomy as their form of birth control
have all been common themes in these
sessions. Well, I wouldn't call the
vasectomy issue a common one but it really
did come up.
Mixed with all of the pain
and problems have been conversations with
guys who have a very healthy attitude about
the baths as a social venue with more than
an emphasis on sex. They see it as a place
to hang out with friends, work out with
weights, relax, unwind and have fun. The
most common theme has been the desire for
intimacy and connection with other men and
the confusion about defining those in terms
other than genital and orgasmic. It is a
skill that consistently seems lacking. This
is something I have found to be true for
many Gay men everywhere.
Some of the men have emailed
me to let me know that they have followed-up
on a suggestion or referral for more
long-term therapy. A few of them have chosen
to see me for private therapy. Some have
returned to talk to me at one of the spas.
They have emailed the management to thank
them for providing this service. Many I
never get to see again but I know that seeds
have been planted. Their life and the
Bathhouse will never be the same again.
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